Tag Archives: family

Have You Tried Turning It Off And On Again?

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I’m trying to look at recent events not as a step backwards but more as a reboot. A year ago I had an okay job in retail, a graphic design internship at a magazine in Phoenix, and a boyfriend (albeit a dick of a bf who broke up with me like two days from now but a bf none the less). It seemed like I was finally getting my shit together and become a grown up. Somewhere down the line I got the bright idea to quit my retail job and focus on design “full time.” It seemed like a good idea at the time…

Cut to 1 year later where I got screwed over by a certain local ice cream business that hired me for design work, decided to not use any of the work I did, and still to this day owes me $200. Let’s just say they ain’t so sweet or much of a republic. I also got dumped by a second bf, quit what should have been a good job but turned out to be a nightmare, lost a beloved grandmother, watched my own mother lose her job, and suffered from continually deteriorating health.

Like I’ve said before, it’s been a shitty fucking year.

In light of all the tragedies, I’ve been thinking back to where I was a year ago. As much as I hated that retail job, as, it was the best job I’ve ever had. Yes, my boss was insane and frequently made me cry; yes, it was exhausting being on my feet that much; and yes, I never imagined selling plus size wireless bras was a skill…It still beats getting bitched out for having to leave town because my grandmother passed away or getting screwed out of hard earned money because you’re shitty business managers.

So here I am, one year later, 20 lbs heavier (I’m gonna blame stress but we know that’s only a half truth), 2 jobs down, 2 boyfriends gone, and going back to retail. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that.

I don’t want to think about it being a set back. I have come a long way since last year. Kind of in reverse but that’s not the point. I want to think of it more as a reboot. I was in a good place a year ago and I want to get back to that. Refocus on the goals I had a year ago. Get back in the pants I was in a year ago!

I’m going to try turning my life off and on again in a totally non-suicide-attempt way and see it that helps.

moss

 

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D-Day

Or how I learned to love the bomb…wait…

I’ve been dreading this day, the nervous anticipation of finally sharing what I’ve been striving for the last two months with family and friends.

It started out as a hair brained idea I got from reading a dumb little book but it’s grown into so much more. She-Hulk has become my new hero, along side Tina Fey and, well really only Tina Fey, but still! In the last two months I’ve tried more new things than I did probably all last year. I’ve been busting my ass to make some positive changes and while they are small and often hard to find, I have made them. I’m becoming my own hero! The person I want to be when I grow up! A third inspirational thing!

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I have plans every Tuesday now. Doctor Who’s Day has become something I look forward to all week long. I get  to watch one of my favorite shows in the company of other nerds who are becoming friends!

I’m reconnecting with old friends as well as making new ones. I had an awesome four hour lunch with Ellis Tesla and I hope to see him again, maybe even for Doctor Who’s Day one of these weeks. I talk more to friends like Gretchen and Isabel, two great ladies who I hope to continue to see more of.

Turns out I’m awesome at making up pseudonyms for people I want to keep anonymous.

I had an amazing birthday! Regardless of how I felt at times during the day, it was wonderful.

I did a cleanse of crap in my life and online. I cleaned out things from my ex, even making a little cash by selling things he gave me. I’ve resisted to urge to talk to him even though I still miss the douche bag. I cleared out my closet and book shelf, making room for bigger and better things. I purged my Facebook of people I no longer speak to, people I’ve reached out to in a time of need and was ignored, people I just kind of hate…And I was rewarded by hearing from people I never knew cared. I reached out my support and they gave it right back, just the way you’re supposed to!

Turns out I make AMAZING jam! Stay tuned for recipes in the future.

I’m taking important steps to figure out what I’m doing with my life. I’m figuring my shit out at my own pace and that’s okay.

I’m going to start trying to sell prints of my work. This goal makes me especially nervous but very excited at the same time. If I can find an outlet for my creativity that actually made me money I will be over the moon happy!

I successfully navigated the quagmire that is the health insurance marketplace. I have coverage and I am paying for it all on my own! This is a level of independence I have never had before and while I am nervous about paying things on time and figuring out what’s covered and what’s not, I’m still making payments and filling prescriptions like a BOSS.

Probably the most important achievement to me personally is that I’ve been a supportive sister and daughter to my family in what has been, for lack of a better term, a fuck ass couple months. As long as I can remember, I’ve been the one in the family with the issues. Always the sick one, out of work, quitting grad school, and having an emotional breakdown. The last few months have been really hard on my family and while I’ve struggled along side them, I haven’t completely isolated myself or took my own pain and frustration out on them. I’m not very good about sharing what’s going on with my siblings, but I’ve been making a conscious effort to be more present lately, especially to my sister RejRej. We’re two extremely different people but no matter what we’re sisters and when she had a health scare this month I am proud to say I have been there to listen to her problems and cheer her up. Now, mind you, I am extremely jealous that she got to see Garfunkel and Oates and Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen all in the same month, I’m still happy she’s getting to do things to raise her spirits. I hope she feels better soon and I hope this is a new chapter in our relationship.

Alright, enough of this heartfelt, inspirational nonsense. Let’s all just sit in peace and eat a sandwich, or in this case…tacos!

 

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The Devil Went Down To Georgia

I haven’t posted in a while because I’ve had nothing worth posting about. Still nothing on the job or relationship front. I feel stalled. Stuck. Sick. I don’t know what to do and I honestly feel so shitty don’t want to do anything.

Feeling an overwhelming lack of motivation I thought rereading The She-Hulk Diaries would be good. It was a nice reminder that setbacks happen and not to just outright give up. While it gave me some positive reinforcement, I still don’t feel particularly motivated to do much of anything.

Part of this might be due to the fact that, as I like to say, “there’s trouble down south.”

Not feeling well is part of my every day life. I have Crohn’s Disease and as an added bonus on top of that I also have arthritis. One delightful thing about auto-immune diseases; chances are good, if you have one, you’ll have another. Over the years I’ve learned to live with my body and just deal (a trait I inherited from my mother who has the same illness) but, sometimes my body has a plan of its own. For the last week or two I’ve been in what Crohnies call a “flare.” My Crohn’s has been particularly active cause a great deal of pain and frustration on my part.

Crohn’s is a delightful, sexy illness where you develop inflammation along the digestive track causing pain, narrowings, blockages, and a whole host of other wonderful side effects. As a former crush once said to me, “so basically you’re like an epic shitter?” In those less than delicate terms…sure.

Below the Mason Dixon line in my body there’s a civil war. My body attacks itself causing pain and Katrina like devastation.

It’s caused me to lose jobs, cancel dates, lose friends, miss school, pay through to nose for doctors and treatments, and overall fucked my outlook on life.

No date wants to hear about how bloated and in pain and unsexy you feel. The last thing you want to do while spending the night with someone is wreck their toilet. Farting while spooning is considered poor form. People get embarrassed when you go out to dinner and give the waiter the 3rd degree about menu items. Friendly outtings become a nightmare when you have to stop everything to find a bathroom NOW! Bosses aren’t inclined to believe you’re sick when you “don’t look sick.” “Why can’t you come in to work and just go to the bathroom” or “you’ve missed too many days already you can’t be sick again.”

It’s not that fucking simple! No one is dumping buckets of ice on their heads to find a cure for Crohn’s. No major celebrities back the cause or talk about finding a cure. It’s one of those illnesses that isn’t very sexy or popular. No one wants to talk about poop or vomit. Dixie might be calling but ain’t nobody answering.

I have always been aware that things could be a lot worse. There are those with Crohn’s much more severe than mine. I could be hospitalized with an ostomy and losing my hair. I could be down to 90 lbs and all by myself instead of having supportive family and friends around me. but still…

Being sick sucks. It hurts. It’s expensive. It messes with your head and ruins your social life.

I promise when I actually have something worth writing about I will, but for now, Crohn’s can suck my lady balls.

Me getting my remicade infusion

Me getting my remicade infusion

 

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The Hell Router?!

I haven’t been able to post for the last few days due to a dead router. The thing was probably older than me. I’m pretty sure the cave paintings of Lascaux depict primitive man angrily throwing it out for a new one.

cave painting

Due to overall laziness and a decent smartphone I waited a day or two before bothering to go buy a new one and then another day before I got around to installing it. We’ve established, I’m lazy. Moving on.

I spent an hour trying to get the little bitch to work. The manual reads like stereo instructions and calling India for help just made things worse.

Feeling overwhelmed and possessing a strong desire to throw the expensive piece of shit out the window I decided to walk away from it for the day; come back tomorrow with fresh eyes and some Xanax. Needless to say that didn’t happen.

What do we do when shit gets hard? When something doesn’t work? When we lose a ring? CALL MOM!!!!

Now this meant waiting for her to get back in town but when you’re as useless as me it’s no trouble at all. More than wanting her to make it work I wanted validation that I had tried everything possible and the little bastard just wouldn’t work. I don’t know as much about computers as her but I can follow directions, even when Ikea printed them.

Not only did she magically fix it but apparently all she had to do was turn the damn computer on! Apparently my mom is the Disney Princess of electronics and they just do her bidding while singing and dressing her for the ball…

If she’s the princess then I guess that makes me the ugly stepsister or at least the not entirely un-comely dysfunctional child.

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Golden Year And Golden Showers…Wait…Scratch That

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Yesterday I turned 26 on July 26th which is pretty fucking cool. For those not cool enough to know, when you turn the same age as the day you are born it’s called your “golden year.”

I’ve been looking forward to my “golden year” since  I turned 25! I’ve never been a huge fan of my birthday but the last few years I’ve tried my best to make it a good day, something to look forward to. It’s not been an easy road.

I’ve taken to saying “life is hard and full of disappointments, that’s why man created birthdays.” And it’s true. Growing up I hated my birthday. Too many disappointing days with too few friends and parents forgetting to call…but we’ll talk about my daddy issues later…I’ve never had a surprised party and I missed my chance for birthday sex the one time I had a boyfriend during my birthday.

I don’t get particularly hung up on being a year older or depressed about my age. My birthday disappointments are purely social, material, and sclfish. I always wanted that surprise party and I’m still hopeful that someday maybe I’ll get one. And that day I’ll get every amazing gift I never knew I wanted and the man of my dreams with sweep me off my feet and it’ll be one of the best days of my life…a girl can dream…

Dreams aside, this year my birthday was a pretty good day. Or couple days actually as time was divided up between parents out of town, seeing friends, and big dinners.

The actual day started off pretty slow and lonesome. I was close to giving up on the day entirely. I started to get down on myself and assumed no one would show up. Thank Glob I didn’t give up and call the whole thing off. It turned out to be a great evening filled with friends, food, games, gifts, and a TARDIS pinata.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love my friends. I don’t have many but the ones I do have are pretty amazing people. They spent their Saturday night making me feel loved and I’m truly grateful to them for that.

For a kid who grew up so alone and hating her birthday, I couldn’t have asked for a better night. I mean I could have but I didn’t want to seem ungrateful.

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When I Grow Up I’ll Be Stable, When I Grow Up I’ll Turn The Tables…

Okay for anyone who was either too young for the 90s or just has shit taste in music the title is from Garbage’s song “When I Grow Up.” Awesome song. Made even more awesome after hearing it on Warehouse 13. Admittedly I fall into the “too young” category to have truly appreciated Garbage at their height but I like to think I have pretty good taste in music and while the 90s were horrible for fashion it did spawn some pretty phenomenal music.

It’s a song I sing to myself when I need reassurance that someday I’ll be ok. One of these days, with the help of my resolutions, I’ll figure my shit out. Get a real job. Get a boyfriend. Grow up.

NewVillager’s “Lighthouse,” and Tom Waits’ “Hold On” have a similar effect (affect?) on me. I’m the youngest in a family of overachievers. I need a lot of reassurance. Sue me.

This need for reassurance was driven home yesterday by an extremely thoughtful gift and my own fucked up brain chemistry. Next week is my birthday. I’ll be turning 26 on the 26th which is pretty fucking awesome, but more on my golden year later.

My sainted mom, who will be out of town for my bday, wanted to celebrate this weekend and gave me an incredible illustration tablet for me to use while doing graphic design.

I couldn’t believe it. The thing is huge and must have cost a fortune. I was so overwhelmed I cried. I am so excited to use it but I feel like it also put the pressure on me. There are so many things I have wasted so much time and money on only to quit. Countless clubs, classes, and jobs, stained glass, grad school…The list goes on way longer than I’m proud of and she’s stood by me through every failure, every quit job, every cut and run. Graphic design can’t be another thing that I give up on the second it gets hard.

My mom is the kind of amazing parent who supports her kids no matter what. No matter how much trouble we got in (let’s be honest we didn’t get in that much) she’s always been there, especially for me. I’m the black sheep of my family and even at almost 26, where I’m still struggling to find my place in the world, she’s never given up on me.

She gave me this amazing gift free of condition or expectation but I feel like I have to prove that it’s not going to be just another wasted investment like the week and a half I was in Speech and Debate in high school. I want to show her I can follow through on something. I can grow up and get my shit together.

Check out my new toy!

Check out my new toy!

This gift is all the more motivation to stick to my goals. I’m accountable for a very nice piece of professional equipment. It damn well better be put to good use. You can look forward to many doodles attempted on my new toy as I learn to use it. Lucky you!

She may have insisted on celebrating my birthday a week early but her’s is TODAY and I’m gonna do my damnedest to make it the best 65th birthday ever. No one is more deserving of an amazing birthday and I love love love her with all my heart.

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