Tag Archives: anxiety

What’s The Story Lamb Chop?

Well, I survived my first go at 2nd Friday. 2nd and 3rd too. I’ve just been super lazy about posting…

I did about as poorly as expected but was so happy and relieved that I actually sold a couple things. While I didn’t come close to breaking even, I got my name out there and didn’t give up. Hopefully,  when people start to look for holiday gifts and the weather is really nice I’ll get even more traffic. Hopefully.

There are few things in life I haven’t completely given up on. My regular behavior to cut and run when things get tough has been a cornerstone of my existence. I’d like the say that even though I didn’t turn a profit I’m more proud of myself for not quitting but that’d be a lie. I mean, who wouldn’t prefer making lots of money and being praised for their apparent talent?

One thing that certainly helped ease my anxiety over this experience is the newest member of my family, LambChop! I’ve wanted a dog for a while and as I’ve mentioned before, attempted one back in August. Bea Arthur was a really bad experience for me. She was not a good fit and I was definitely not emotionally prepared to train and take care of a puppy. I now know that that experience and the wait was worth it for LambChop. She is the perfect dog for me. Sweet, mellow, loving, housebroken!

lambchop

I got so damn lucky with this dog. I hope I do right by her. She came from the shelter and we’ll rescue each other. Such a sweet, wonderful dog deserves a good home with lots of love and belly rubs. Financially, it may not have been the best decision but in light of so much frustration, stress, and pain in my life she is a source of comfort.

She may be a little stinky but she’s mine and I’ve definitely fallen for her! She’s damn good to cuddle with even if I always have to be the big spoon.

I am a Jedi

I am a Jedi

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D-Day

Or how I learned to love the bomb…wait…

I’ve been dreading this day, the nervous anticipation of finally sharing what I’ve been striving for the last two months with family and friends.

It started out as a hair brained idea I got from reading a dumb little book but it’s grown into so much more. She-Hulk has become my new hero, along side Tina Fey and, well really only Tina Fey, but still! In the last two months I’ve tried more new things than I did probably all last year. I’ve been busting my ass to make some positive changes and while they are small and often hard to find, I have made them. I’m becoming my own hero! The person I want to be when I grow up! A third inspirational thing!

lemon-greatestnews

I have plans every Tuesday now. Doctor Who’s Day has become something I look forward to all week long. I get  to watch one of my favorite shows in the company of other nerds who are becoming friends!

I’m reconnecting with old friends as well as making new ones. I had an awesome four hour lunch with Ellis Tesla and I hope to see him again, maybe even for Doctor Who’s Day one of these weeks. I talk more to friends like Gretchen and Isabel, two great ladies who I hope to continue to see more of.

Turns out I’m awesome at making up pseudonyms for people I want to keep anonymous.

I had an amazing birthday! Regardless of how I felt at times during the day, it was wonderful.

I did a cleanse of crap in my life and online. I cleaned out things from my ex, even making a little cash by selling things he gave me. I’ve resisted to urge to talk to him even though I still miss the douche bag. I cleared out my closet and book shelf, making room for bigger and better things. I purged my Facebook of people I no longer speak to, people I’ve reached out to in a time of need and was ignored, people I just kind of hate…And I was rewarded by hearing from people I never knew cared. I reached out my support and they gave it right back, just the way you’re supposed to!

Turns out I make AMAZING jam! Stay tuned for recipes in the future.

I’m taking important steps to figure out what I’m doing with my life. I’m figuring my shit out at my own pace and that’s okay.

I’m going to start trying to sell prints of my work. This goal makes me especially nervous but very excited at the same time. If I can find an outlet for my creativity that actually made me money I will be over the moon happy!

I successfully navigated the quagmire that is the health insurance marketplace. I have coverage and I am paying for it all on my own! This is a level of independence I have never had before and while I am nervous about paying things on time and figuring out what’s covered and what’s not, I’m still making payments and filling prescriptions like a BOSS.

Probably the most important achievement to me personally is that I’ve been a supportive sister and daughter to my family in what has been, for lack of a better term, a fuck ass couple months. As long as I can remember, I’ve been the one in the family with the issues. Always the sick one, out of work, quitting grad school, and having an emotional breakdown. The last few months have been really hard on my family and while I’ve struggled along side them, I haven’t completely isolated myself or took my own pain and frustration out on them. I’m not very good about sharing what’s going on with my siblings, but I’ve been making a conscious effort to be more present lately, especially to my sister RejRej. We’re two extremely different people but no matter what we’re sisters and when she had a health scare this month I am proud to say I have been there to listen to her problems and cheer her up. Now, mind you, I am extremely jealous that she got to see Garfunkel and Oates and Hannah Hart of My Drunk Kitchen all in the same month, I’m still happy she’s getting to do things to raise her spirits. I hope she feels better soon and I hope this is a new chapter in our relationship.

Alright, enough of this heartfelt, inspirational nonsense. Let’s all just sit in peace and eat a sandwich, or in this case…tacos!

 

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I’m No Artist

As long as I can remember I’ve loved art. My mom says that even as a little kid I had a grasp of color beyond my years. She tells the story of asking me what colors some of the flowers in our garden were. Apparently when asked about the pretty pink flower I said something to the effect (affect?) of “its pink but there’s also blue, and fuchsia, and has some green.”

So I was a little know it all from the start. Not that surprising.

Point being, I have always liked color. Mixing paint colors remains to this day one of my favorite activities. Something about swirling different colors together, making an entirely new shade, maybe one that no ones seen before, it’s very zen for me.

waters-of-the-purple-bleeding-hearts3

I’ve always painted and drawn. I was lucky enough to have parents encourage me to get messy and be creative. They bought me endless art supplies, and would sign me up for classes at the community arts center. When I was little I wanted to be like Picasso. I wanted to be rich and famous and have people praise my work. I wanted to be this cool bohemian girl with paint under her nails and splattered on her party dress. I wanted to be the toast of Paris…

At the rate I’m going Van Gogh might be more accurate…

Being an “artist” is tough.  There’s not a lot of money and you have to have a thick skin to take the criticism. I don’t consider myself an artist. I am far too sensitive. I get emotionally attached to my paintings and typically only paint when I am in a heightened emotional state. I don’t want to have to explain myself or my inspiration. I am afraid of being rejected or misunderstood. I don’t want people laughing at something I poured my heart and soul into. And bottom line I’m just not that good.

i-cant-help-it-if-you-might-think-im-odd1

My paintings look like the “my kid could paint that” crap. Other people have said to me that I’m not that bad and have even gone so far as to say they like some of my pieces but I’m always skeptical.

Coming into the home stretch of this bizarre experiment I need one final push, so I’m taking the chance. I’ve solicited help from other artist friends for recommendations on getting high quality photos so I can sell prints. Who knows, maybe I’ll open an Etsy shop where everyone will rate me highly and I’ll be the toast of Mesa!

In the meantime, anyone who wants to check out some of my paintings can go to my online portfolio. Please keep any criticism to yourself. It’s hard enough trying to share this side of me.

cactus-flower-edit1

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Danny Trejo Stars In Machete 3: Garden Gloves Of Death

They say “to plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow.” What does it say when you take a machete and hack your garden to bits?

machete_trejo_md

Sometimes when life gives you lemons, the only thing you can do is take a big fucking knife and hack away at it. More on that at the bottom.

Last week was a rough week for me. My anxiety was at a new high, I was all alone, and it seemed like nothing was going my way. Shit happens. I know this better than most. Doesn’t mean I don’t throw the occasional tantrum or get drunk and skinny dip. It’s my pool, I do what I want!

Where was I?

I felt even more pressure to have some kind of results since we’ve reached the halfway point of my little social experiment. I’ve been busting my ass for a month now, trying to improve myself and stick to my resolutions with little to show for it. It’s been a frustrating road.

Still don’t have a job, haven’t even gotten any interviews.

Still single and alone. Haven’t made any new friends, let alone met someone I want to date.

Still a blob on the couch. Haven’t been working out or eating particularly well. Might actually be eating worse than usual.

My garden is being eaten to death by bugs and everything is dying.


You know what I have done though?

I’ve tried.

I haven’t quit.

I’ve gone out.

I’ve gone to meetups.

I’ve gone to Doctor Who’s Day every week.

I’ve tried new things.

I had a great birthday.

I’ve applied for jobs in spite of feeling defeated.

I’ve seen friends I haven’t seen in ages and made plans to see them again.

I’ve talked to new people and tried to make friends.

I’ve been taking care of motherfucking business even when it feels like I’m getting nowhere sitting on hold and sending emails.

I started a blog.

I haven’t totally neglected said blog.

If this picture doesn't make you feel at peace I don't know what will

If this picture doesn’t make you feel at peace I don’t know what will

So you know what, I may not have something solid to show for my effort but I have done a damn good job so far. I have a long way to go. Anyone whose been to therapy knows you’re never “fixed,” you’re never done working on yourself, but you also have to cut yourself some slack. Admittedly, this is not something I’m very good at. I am by far my worst critic. If I talked to others the way I talked to myself, well…I’d probably be a lot farther in life actually because I’d be an Anna Wintour level ballbuster…hmmm…

In honor of reaching the halfway point and not completely giving up yet, I’m cutting myself some slack.

Yes, I may have gotten fed up with my life in general. I may have taken a huge ass knife and hacked away at the rat-king, ripping it apart like I was Machete on a rampage. I may have polished off a bottle of wine by myself. I may have gotten naked and finished that bottle in the pool. I may have even texted my friend a blow-by-blow of Sharknado 2.

This all may have happened in one day…It doesn’t matter. I’m cutting myself some slack. So what if I’m feeling a little more Shulky than Jennifer Walters. Sometimes you just have to let the beast rage.

It also bares mentioning that immediately after finishing this post I saw an interview of Danny Trejo on NPR. Here’s the link to hear how Machete got his big break and got his life together after a much darker past than mine.

http://www.npr.org/2014/08/03/337134637/danny-trejo-from-the-big-house-to-the-big-screen

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The Hell Router?!

I haven’t been able to post for the last few days due to a dead router. The thing was probably older than me. I’m pretty sure the cave paintings of Lascaux depict primitive man angrily throwing it out for a new one.

cave painting

Due to overall laziness and a decent smartphone I waited a day or two before bothering to go buy a new one and then another day before I got around to installing it. We’ve established, I’m lazy. Moving on.

I spent an hour trying to get the little bitch to work. The manual reads like stereo instructions and calling India for help just made things worse.

Feeling overwhelmed and possessing a strong desire to throw the expensive piece of shit out the window I decided to walk away from it for the day; come back tomorrow with fresh eyes and some Xanax. Needless to say that didn’t happen.

What do we do when shit gets hard? When something doesn’t work? When we lose a ring? CALL MOM!!!!

Now this meant waiting for her to get back in town but when you’re as useless as me it’s no trouble at all. More than wanting her to make it work I wanted validation that I had tried everything possible and the little bastard just wouldn’t work. I don’t know as much about computers as her but I can follow directions, even when Ikea printed them.

Not only did she magically fix it but apparently all she had to do was turn the damn computer on! Apparently my mom is the Disney Princess of electronics and they just do her bidding while singing and dressing her for the ball…

If she’s the princess then I guess that makes me the ugly stepsister or at least the not entirely un-comely dysfunctional child.

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Golden Year And Golden Showers…Wait…Scratch That

Print

Yesterday I turned 26 on July 26th which is pretty fucking cool. For those not cool enough to know, when you turn the same age as the day you are born it’s called your “golden year.”

I’ve been looking forward to my “golden year” since  I turned 25! I’ve never been a huge fan of my birthday but the last few years I’ve tried my best to make it a good day, something to look forward to. It’s not been an easy road.

I’ve taken to saying “life is hard and full of disappointments, that’s why man created birthdays.” And it’s true. Growing up I hated my birthday. Too many disappointing days with too few friends and parents forgetting to call…but we’ll talk about my daddy issues later…I’ve never had a surprised party and I missed my chance for birthday sex the one time I had a boyfriend during my birthday.

I don’t get particularly hung up on being a year older or depressed about my age. My birthday disappointments are purely social, material, and sclfish. I always wanted that surprise party and I’m still hopeful that someday maybe I’ll get one. And that day I’ll get every amazing gift I never knew I wanted and the man of my dreams with sweep me off my feet and it’ll be one of the best days of my life…a girl can dream…

Dreams aside, this year my birthday was a pretty good day. Or couple days actually as time was divided up between parents out of town, seeing friends, and big dinners.

The actual day started off pretty slow and lonesome. I was close to giving up on the day entirely. I started to get down on myself and assumed no one would show up. Thank Glob I didn’t give up and call the whole thing off. It turned out to be a great evening filled with friends, food, games, gifts, and a TARDIS pinata.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I love my friends. I don’t have many but the ones I do have are pretty amazing people. They spent their Saturday night making me feel loved and I’m truly grateful to them for that.

For a kid who grew up so alone and hating her birthday, I couldn’t have asked for a better night. I mean I could have but I didn’t want to seem ungrateful.

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War Paint

warrior women

The more events and social obligations I force myself to go to lately the more I need the confidence boost. There’s only so many meetups you can go to before they start to bleed together. The people are all the same no matter if it’s “geek girls of Gilbert” or “sexy social sluts from Scottsdale.” I’ve started the ritual for myself of putting my “war paint” on before I go out.

I try to dress well and look nice for these things but that’s really fucking hard when it’s 114 out and I’m in the Crohn’s flare from hell! Waistbands are uncomfortable for me and you’re sweating in places you didn’t even know you could sweat. Arizona is a strange and miserable land. The Natives cursed this godforsaken land to burn in eternal hellfire before we forced them onto the reservations.

Or that’s my theory anyway…

So I dress like a hobo but at least I have my “war paint” on.

I’m lucky in that I inherited my mother and grandmother’s skin. Hungarian women are known for having very good skin and aging quite well sooo…fingers crossed!

Having such milky, perfect, alabaster skin I generally don’t wear any sort of foundation or powder. I used to love mascara but since I gave up on contacts and became permanently a member of the 4-eyed-club the Rimmel doesn’t make it in the makeup bag either so that leaves me with lipstick.

lipsticks

 

So with all those other items ruled out I’ve become a fan of lipstick. I subscribe to the Kissing Jessica Stein school of applying lipstick. You’ll never find that one perfect shade. Never. The art of the perfect lipstick is a layering process. I start with a lipstain which is just fun. It’s like a magic marker for your lips! Then there’s a layer of lipstick on top of that. Lastly, you need a gloss or something moisterizing to finish off the look.

It’s a pain but the result is pretty damn hot and it makes me feel empowered. When I put my “war paint” on I am ready to take on the world!

warpaint1

 

Image one via Pinterest, Chloe Dykstra, and S Moda.

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When I Grow Up I’ll Be Stable, When I Grow Up I’ll Turn The Tables…

Okay for anyone who was either too young for the 90s or just has shit taste in music the title is from Garbage’s song “When I Grow Up.” Awesome song. Made even more awesome after hearing it on Warehouse 13. Admittedly I fall into the “too young” category to have truly appreciated Garbage at their height but I like to think I have pretty good taste in music and while the 90s were horrible for fashion it did spawn some pretty phenomenal music.

It’s a song I sing to myself when I need reassurance that someday I’ll be ok. One of these days, with the help of my resolutions, I’ll figure my shit out. Get a real job. Get a boyfriend. Grow up.

NewVillager’s “Lighthouse,” and Tom Waits’ “Hold On” have a similar effect (affect?) on me. I’m the youngest in a family of overachievers. I need a lot of reassurance. Sue me.

This need for reassurance was driven home yesterday by an extremely thoughtful gift and my own fucked up brain chemistry. Next week is my birthday. I’ll be turning 26 on the 26th which is pretty fucking awesome, but more on my golden year later.

My sainted mom, who will be out of town for my bday, wanted to celebrate this weekend and gave me an incredible illustration tablet for me to use while doing graphic design.

I couldn’t believe it. The thing is huge and must have cost a fortune. I was so overwhelmed I cried. I am so excited to use it but I feel like it also put the pressure on me. There are so many things I have wasted so much time and money on only to quit. Countless clubs, classes, and jobs, stained glass, grad school…The list goes on way longer than I’m proud of and she’s stood by me through every failure, every quit job, every cut and run. Graphic design can’t be another thing that I give up on the second it gets hard.

My mom is the kind of amazing parent who supports her kids no matter what. No matter how much trouble we got in (let’s be honest we didn’t get in that much) she’s always been there, especially for me. I’m the black sheep of my family and even at almost 26, where I’m still struggling to find my place in the world, she’s never given up on me.

She gave me this amazing gift free of condition or expectation but I feel like I have to prove that it’s not going to be just another wasted investment like the week and a half I was in Speech and Debate in high school. I want to show her I can follow through on something. I can grow up and get my shit together.

Check out my new toy!

Check out my new toy!

This gift is all the more motivation to stick to my goals. I’m accountable for a very nice piece of professional equipment. It damn well better be put to good use. You can look forward to many doodles attempted on my new toy as I learn to use it. Lucky you!

She may have insisted on celebrating my birthday a week early but her’s is TODAY and I’m gonna do my damnedest to make it the best 65th birthday ever. No one is more deserving of an amazing birthday and I love love love her with all my heart.

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Someone To Dump A Body With

There are some things that are truly impossible: squaring a circle, time travel, licking your own elbow, making anything sugar-free taste good…And then there are things that seem impossible but somehow people manage to do them like the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle (which my grandfather does in PEN the show off), climbing a rope ladder, making a friend after high school…

I love my friends. I truly do. They’re amazing people I’ve known for years and I wouldn’t trade them for the world unless trading them meant I could be friends with Jennifer Lawrence. Then I’d dump those losers in a heart beat.

The people I consider my friends have been there for me through difficult times and even kept talking to me when I had to quit drinking because of my Crohn’s Disease and the fact that I got tired of doing dumb shit when drunk (i.e. ride home from stranger and bad makeout choices). There are plenty of people I’m acquainted with and according to Facebook I have lots of “friends,” but the people I count as real, hetero-lifemate, would help you dump a body kind of friends only amounts to a handful.

The problem is I feel like I’m a good 4 years behind all of my friends in terms of maturity and relationships. They all have real jobs that they manage to hold down for more than a month or two at a time and they’re all in long term relationships with really great people (for the most part). They’re buying houses and talking kids while I’m here reading comics and eating Pirate Booty. I don’t begrudge them their happiness for one second but it would be nice if they could send a little of that good joojoo my way. Making new friends after the forced socialization of high school is about as impossible as firing proton torpedoes at an exhaust port.

Part of my resolutions is to try and make some new friends and it’s seeming almost as impossible as finding a job I don’t hate. I want to expand my social group a little. See if I am in fact the last single person left in existence or it just seems that way when you’re the perpetual 3rd wheel.

So far this grand experiment hasn’t yielded great results. I’ve been rejected from 2 jobs, anxietied (copyright Amalgamated Missel Inc.) out of one interview, been metaphorically “dumped” by two guys who just up and stopped texting me, 2 panic attacks, chickened out of one meetup commitment, and essentially got stood up at another. While I give myself for points for at least trying and going to things, it would be really nice to have a win. Some positive reinforcement that pushing myself to do things that scare me and put it out on the internet for judgement hasn’t been completely in vain…

So help me out here internet. I assume if you’ve made it to the bottom of yet another mammoth post you’re on the train with me. Send me a little reinforcement, some good vibes, a little of the voodoo that you do so well! Hell even a suggestion of a place to meet people!

 

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Anxiety and Adipose

There are things I am incredibly nerdy about and I like to consider myself an “equal opportunity nerd,” with the exception of video games, tabletop games, LARPing, most horror, manga, and all things anime, and the gender inequity of cosplay…But I’m totally equal opportunity…

Doctor Who is my main nerdy vice, well, that and She-Hulk of course.

Anyway…

Continuing with my resolutions, I am trying to get out more and meet new people. I only have about 4 friends (that’s being generours) and they’re all married or in long term relationships that don’t require a 3rd wheel. I thought one simple way to get out more was going to my local comic store for what they call Doctor Who-sday.

I had only tried going once before with my ex who made my social anxiety look like child’s play compared to his. I remember convincing him to go only to have him breeze through the store and immediately back out. I was disappointed. I thought it looked like fun but left because I have low self-esteem I let him and his lack of social graces dictate most of our activities. Whateves, not like I sat through the ENTIRE Walking Dead series and creepy Korean mind fuck movies for him (I’m talking to you Oldboy!!!)…

doctor whosday

So months after my first attempt I decided to return. I would be my imaginary charming self and make a ton of new friends and flirt and get hit on all while watching my favorite show…Well I did get to watch my favorite show…and I think I got hit on by the guy across from me who decided to bring up Mengele and took my paper away to see what I was drawing…

Still…50 points to me for being social, I guess…

Captain Politically Correct was the only person I talked to there. The majority of other people were young attractive nerd couples and families. Most the people there seemed to know each other and socialized but as a new comer I didn’t feel all that welcomed, I mean aside from little Eichmann. Not one to invade an attractive pair of nerds nor really one for kids I kept to myself and got out of there as soon as I could.

I was a little disappointed after my 2nd Doctor Who-sday experience but at least I went. At least I took the chance to see what it was all about. I love Gotham Comics for reasons I’ll go into another time so I will definitely try again. I just may sit somewhere else.

 

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